Trying To Live
by Sunshine627
Summary: After Edward left Bella stopped living. Now she's trying to live life. But how easy will that be when the love of your life is back saying he's loved you along? Do you forgive him? No, you make him work for it. E/B. no wolves or jacob. first fic
1. Prologue

_August 15__th__2010_

_After he left, I stopped living. I walked through life like a zombie. Repeating the same actions everyday but never really participating with the world around me. The pain in my chest never ceased. Increasing at night when my dreams were filled with him. I thought I was doing an okay job of masking the shell I'd become but I was wrong._

_Charlie noticed and tried to get me to go live with Renee. That was a moment filled with me screaming and throwing everything I owned around my small room. They didn't understand. No one could._

_Because when you meet you the one you want to spend forever with, losing them is a hard thing to recover from. _

_But I've resolved myself to keep breathing through the pain. He's gone. He's been gone for almost a year and I've come to the realization that he will never return to me. I knew I was never good enough for him. Never pretty enough. I was never confidant enough and I surely didn't have the grace either. I didn't deserve him then._

_But I will spend the rest of my dark life trying to get there. _

"Bella it's time to go", Charlie yelled from the bottom of the stairs.

I closed my journal and placed it in my bag. Heading down the stairs I can see dad holding one of my boxes.

"Ready Cha-Dad"

"Come on kiddo. You're going to Dartmouth! You should be more excited", he said as he walked out the door with me behind him. Charlie bragged to everyone who would hear that I had gotten into Dartmouth. He told everyone about my full ride scholarship. Not hard to come by when I spent the year doing nothing but homework and extra credit assignments.

"Yeah Dad, I'm excited. Just nervous a bit, I guess" I got into the passenger side of my truck and waited as Charlie locked up the house and jumped into the driver seat. He was driving there with me and taking a plane back home. Said it was his last chance to bond with me until Christmas.

"Alright. College here we come", he yelled. I felt my cheeks burn in embarrassment.

_Edward I hope I make you proud. I'm living my life like you wanted; I just wish you were here with me_. I watched as the house got smaller in the distance. Goodbye Forks. Hello future.

**So this is my first fanfiction and I'm not really sure where I want this story to go. I just know that I needed to write this down.**

**Reviews are great and make me smile :) **


	2. Chapter 1

Have you ever tried to find your dorm room? I'm trying to find it right now and let me say it's really difficult. Maybe it's just me because I feel like I stepped into a Where's Waldo book except instead of trying to find the dude with the glasses and hat, I'm trying to find the room I'll be living in for the next year or so.

I'm standing in a hallway and feeling slightly claustrophobic because of all the bodies mingling in such closed quarters. The walls are white and flyers are everywhere. I have never seen so much neon colored paper before.

"Bells someone said your room is on the fifth floor. You go on ahead and I'll start grabbing your things from the truck"

I nod and head for the stairs. I start climbing, taking in the activities offered on the flyers. Slowly my mind starts to wander toward him. What would he say if he knew I made it to college? I hope he'd be proud. I can also imagine Alice's reaction to my wardrobe. In my desperation to keep each and everyone one of them close to me I had taken up new hobbies. I started shopping and reading every fashion magazine within reach, picturing Alice next to me the whole time. My outfit right now would probably give her excitement overload. Black button up shirt with a few buttons undone. Jean shorts and thigh high flat boots because let's face it heels are still not my friend. My hair was up in a messy ponytail and I had a charm bracelet dangling from my wrist.

The charm bracelet is important to me. Each charm represents someone. Charlie's was a little sheriff badge, something he laughed about when I showed it to him. My mom was a cactus while Phil's was a little baseball. Then there were the other ones. The one's that showed that the Cullen's still had a place in my heart. Alice got a little high heel shoe charm while Jasper was a cowboy hat. Emmett was a grizzly bear while Rosalie was a little star. She might have hated me but I still cared for her all the same. Carlisle got a stethoscope and Esme was a little angel. All the charms were sterling silver and the only thing I bought for myself with my paycheck from working at the Newton's store all year. The rest of my paycheck was put into my college savings.

I was jostled out of my thoughts when someone bumped into me sending me straight into the wall. Thankfully I missed the steps and glared at the girl who bumped me.

"Excuse you" She glared at me before rolling her eyes.

Just as I was about to retort back something caught my eye from the window. Outside in the parking lot sat a silver Volvo and a monster of jeep. The sight of them shocked me to my core. Snap out of it Bella! It's just a coincidence and nothing more.

Shaking my head I pushed passed Miss Take Up All The Space and went to look for my room.

If I had spent two more seconds at the window I would have seen a spikey hair girl get out of the jeep. I would have seen her smiling widely and doing a happy dance.

"She's here Jasper"

"Well let's hope Edward doesn't kill you for your meddling then", Jasper replied lovingly before putting his around his wife.

**So short chapter. Sorry. I'm still trying to get my footing around this story and what my writing style is.**

**Sorry for any errors on my part. I have a vivid imagination but I pretty much suck at putting it down on paper…well digital paper. Anyways thoughts? **

**Please don't flame me…criticism is awesome but being mean about it is just…well rude.**


	3. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer- I do not in any form own Twilight….tear* If I did Jasper would be real and I could lock him away in my room forever…actually I couldn't because my husband wouldn't like that LOL.**

My dorm, of course, had to be all the way at the end up of the hallway. It wasn't small but it wasn't big either. Basically a room with two beds and two desks in it. My roommate hadn't arrived yet and I prayed to every deity known to man that my roommate at least be somewhat likeable. I didn't want to spend a whole two semesters plotting a murder or hiding at the library. I didn't need to worry about that especially since I was still trying to get my mind wrapped around the fact that I'd be sharing a bathroom with the whole fifth floor. At least it was an all girls dorm; Charlie wouldn't budge on that little fact. Thank God.

I chose the left bed and sat down waiting for my dad to show up. My thoughts went back to the cars in the parking lot. I knew it was silly; there was no way they would be here. Alice would have seen it and I'm sure Edward would have made them change plans. He didn't love me anymore. He surely wouldn't want to be in the same state as me either. My heart on the other hand was hoping it was them.

"Bells can you help me?"

I looked up to see my dad trying and failing to walk with two boxes in his hands. I almost laughed at the sight because it looked like he was going to fall over any second. I grabbed a box and placed in on the bed just as my dad was placing the other one on one of the desks. I didn't have much with me. Probably three more boxes in the truck and that was it.

"I'm going to go get the other boxes. Why don't you start unpacking kiddo?"

"Are you sure Dad? I can help bring a box up."

Charlie just shook his head and smiled before walking out the door. I shrugged to myself and opened the box on the desk. No wonder Charlie was about to keel over this box was filled with all my books. Some of the books were for my classes this semester so I decided to stack them on the desk. The rest were just for passing the time and would have to wait till I bought a shelf to place them in. The other box was filled with things from my room. I opened the suitcase I brought with me and starting placing clothes in the closet closest to my bed.

"Bells…" I looked up to see my dad carrying two more boxes and slowly kicking one into the room.

"I told you I could help you. You have to be so stubborn." I shook my head at him as I grabbed a box from his hands.

"I did just fine on my own. Now do you want to go to the store to buy stuff for your room? My flight isn't till three and that's five hours till now."

"Sure."

I followed Charlie to the truck but this time hopping in the driver's seat. I couldn't help but notice as I pulled out of my parking spot that the Volvo and Jeep were now sitting next to a red sports car. I drove past it just as a blonde woman was stepping out of the car. _Get it together Bella. Seriously, it's just a coincidence. He's not coming back._ I kept repeating that to myself like a mantra, trying to convince myself that I wasn't losing my sanity.

It took us about two hours to buy everything I needed. I got new beds sheets, in a beautiful shade of blue, for my bed and two black shelves. I also bought a little basket for my toiletries. Charlie bought me an iPod, saying it was a gift for getting into Dartmouth, and that there was no arguing about it. I begrudgingly took it because I didn't have the heart to fight back about it.

By the time we got back I noticed my roommate had arrived. Her side of the room was made up. It looked as if a hello kitty had exploded in the room. Her sheets were pink and white and there was a gigantic hello kitty plush doll sitting on it. Her laptop was even pink! I was already cringing at the thought of what my roommate was going to be like.

"Well ummm she seems to be very vibrant", Charlie said and I could literally see him internally cringing at the horror of it all.

"Yeah. Vibrant. That's the word I was thinking of", I said. I have nothing against Hello Kitty but this was beyond overload.

We spent the rest of the time setting up my side. I had a bulletin board above my bed and placed various things on it. There was a picture of Charlie and me at my graduation. There was also picture of Renee and Phil at one of his minor league games and another picture of the meadow. It took me three weeks of searching for it and a million scrapes on my knees and hands before I found it. The day I found it I sat there for hours just remembering all the times we spent there together. How his skin would glitter in the sun and how much I loved running my fingers through his hair._ I miss you so much._

I had my jewelry box on the nightstand next to my bed. All of my jewelry was costume jewelry. I felt more comfortable wearing them because at least if I lost one it could be easily replaced. The only thing I had of real worth in it was the pearl necklace Renee gave me for graduation. It was given to her by her mom and she passed it on to me.

"Bells it's about time we head to the airport so I can catch my flight", Charlie said sadly.

"Okay Dad"

Our drive was silent. I would miss Charlie so much and part of my worried about how he would fare without me there to take care of him.

"I'm going to miss you", Charlie mumbled into my hair as we hugged each other.

"I'm going to miss you too Dad"

"Be sure to call me if you need anything. Also make sure to carry your pepper spray with you at all times, don't want those college boys getting any ideas about my Bella" I laughed and agreed that I would carry around my "protection" with me at all times.

We hugged again and I stayed until he disappeared behind the security check. I made it back to campus cringing as my truck made a loud noise causing everyone within reach to turn and look my way. I climbed out of my truck just as the clouds decided to let the rain pour.

_Figures. It's been cloudy all day and now it decides to down pour on me._ I made a dash for my dorm building, only tripping twice on the way there, and up to my dorm room. I was fully soaked and I resembled a wet cat. Very cute.

"Oh My Gosh! HI!"

The next thing I know I'm being hugged by girl with auburn hair with a pale yellow headband. I stood still as she hugged me, waiting for her to let me go. When she did I noticed she was wearing a white dress with a short sleeved cardigan that matched her headband and flip flops.

"I'm you're roommate! My name is Sheila but you can call me Shell. What's your name?" She smiled at me and waited patiently for me to answer as my brain tried to process the rush of words she shot at me. I felt a slight tug in my chest because her personality reminded me of Alice.

"I'm Isabella but I go by Bella" My response was cautious and slow but that didn't seem to stop her.

"That is like such a pretty name! I absolutely love it."

"Thanks"

"Oh my gosh you're completely wet!"

"Yeah", I smiled weakly at her as I made my way to my closet. As I placed my clothes on the bed I realized that I would have to change in front of her. I guess she sensed my hesitation.

"How about I step out for a little bit? I'll just go knock on people's doors and introduce myself! Come find me and we can make new friends together", she said happily and all but danced out of the room, closing the door behind her.

I didn't get a chance to protest. I might have changed a few things about myself in the past year but being shy was still cemented into my core.

I placed my wet clothes in the small hamper I put in my closet and started getting dressed in dry clothes. This time I was dressed in a red tank top and jeans with red ballet flats. I grabbed my black zip up hoodie just in case I got cold and made my way into the hallway to find Shell.

I found a few doors away talking to someone though I couldn't see them because they were still inside their room. As I got closer Shell noticed me.

"Bella come here! This is Alice and Rosalie. Girls this is Bella my roommate"

My heart stopped as I gazed into the room staring into two pairs of golden eyes. One was filled with happiness and the other was filled utter shock.

"Hi Bella! We've missed you", Alice exclaimed.

I couldn't breathe. I could feel my chest constricting in pain and then…..

I black out. Shit.

**So there's chapter 2! I hope you guys liked it.**

**Dun dun dun…..Alice and Rose are living on the same floor. So okay most likely this wouldn't happen in the book but hey it's my story and I'm having fun with it ;) Now I realize that them actually dorming at college is very unlikely considering they're married but just hang in there with me. I do have a purpose for it **

**And Bella is slightly OOC but I hope you still love her. Idk when Edward will make an appearance but it will be soon. The store has a mind of it's own and I'm just it's outlet.**

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed. Trinaluvsvamps I added the link to my profile for Bella's outfit from the last chapter. Hopefully I did the link thing right… :/ **

**Reviews make me happy….virtual Hello Kitty plushie for you if you do hehe.**


	4. Chapter 3

"Is she okay?"

I can feel someone touching my forehead and I just want to bat the offending hand away.

"I think she's fine. Just fainted"

Alice. I must be dreaming. That or my brain has finally cracked. That has to be it because Alice and Rosalie can't be here. They're gone.

"Come on Bella open your eyes"

Yup, I've clearly lost my mind. Last time I checked Rosalie is never nice to me. Usually she glares at me or makes a snide remark. Hello insanity I've come to keep you company.

I slowly open my eyes to find Alice and Rosalie kneeling next to me smiling. Shell is standing behind them looking relieved and holding her cell. I shake my head trying to clear the fog in my brain and realize that they are still there. THEY ARE STILL THERE!

"I'm not imagining this am I?"

"Nope. We're actually here and living a few doors away from you", Alice replied happily. They both looked the same as the last time I saw them. My memory of them didn't do them justice.

"Hey Bella? Are you sure you're okay? I could get you a bottle of water from the vending machine downstairs, if you'd like?"

"Thank you but I'm fine. Really", I replied. She really was a nice girl.

"Well if you're sure. I'm going to go head out and meet a few more people on our floor. Here's my number in case you change your mind. I'll see you later Bella", she said with a smile before heading back out to the hallway, closing the door behind her.

I slowly stood up and looked around the room. The bed on the right was Rosalie's. I could see a picture of her and Emmett on the nightstand. Her bed was a deep shade of red and the thick comforter looked like velvet. A dozen pillows were placed on top of it. On the ceiling near the corner of her side of the room were lanterns in various shades of red. On the wall was a poster size picture of her and Emmett standing next to her car. It was in a black wooden frame and I couldn't help but feel envy at how they held each other.

Alice was a complete opposite. Her bed was purple and silk. On the bed sat a little cowboy bear and I couldn't help but smile at that. Her walls were covered in fashion sketches and various fabrics. Her desk had a large sketch pad on it and a row of colored pencils. I didn't see a picture of Jasper anywhere and I didn't expect to. Their relationship was always on a different level. You had to simply see them together to know they loved each other, it was all in the way they looked at each other. The cowboy bear was enough.

I looked at Rosalie and then at Alice. I was at a loss for words. What was I suppose to say? Part of me was beyond happy that they were here in front of me but another part of me was, well I don't know how I felt.

"Why are you guys here?"

Rosalie looked at me sadly while Alice moved to stand closer to me. Rosalie stood up and went to sit on her bed. She took a deep breath and looked at me.

"When Edward started seeing you Bella I couldn't stand you. I hated you being with him. I hated you being around my family", Rosalie started to say.

"I'm sorry…."

"No, let me finish. Please" I simply nodded, waiting for her to continue.

"I couldn't understand why you wanted to be a part of this. I never had a choice in this. I missed out on having children. I'll never grow old. I missed out on a normal life. Don't get me wrong I love this family and I love Emmett but I will always wish for the rest. You could have all that and yet you chose Edward. It was frustrating. I was filled with anger and resent for your choices and for Edwards choice in being with you", she told me. Part of me was starting to wonder whether or not it was such a good idea to let her continue. I couldn't help but wince at her words. She noticed of course and smiled apologetically before continuing.

"Then Jasper decided to try and take a bite of you. I couldn't help but smirk at Edward. I couldn't help but think to him _this is what you get for choosing a human_. I was elated when he decided to leave Forks and begged as all to follow"

The pain in my chest started to increase as I listened to her. I felt my lungs struggle to get air. I closed my eyes knowing she wasn't done yet.

"But I was wrong Bella. I was wrong in thinking that we would all be better off without you being a hindrance to our lives. My family is in shambles without you. For months Alice wouldn't speak to Edward. She refused to even look at him. Jasper was and still is filled with guilt for his actions. He blames himself for Edward's decision. Esme tries to put on a happy face but she mourns as if she's lost a child and in a way she has. You're like a daughter to her. Carlisle feels hopeless. He's trying to keep our family together. Emmett doesn't joke around as much as he used to. He's angry at Edward and angry at me because he feels like I encouraged his choice. Edward is a shell. He doesn't play piano anymore. He wouldn't even let us take into our new home here because he can't stand to look at it. He sits in his room all day. The only time he moves is when he needs to feed. I can't stand to watch my family fall apart anymore. I want to see my brother happy. If that means having you in his life then so be it because he needs you Bella."

At that point Alice is hugging me as I stare at Rosalie in disbelief. Doesn't she know? They act as if Edward left me unwillingly and it was the complete opposite.

"Bella we understand if you're mad at us for leaving you behind but we hope that eventually you'll let us back into your life", Alice said. I shook my head as pulled away from her. I needed a little space from them at that moment. They watched me with sad eyes as I continued to step back.

"You don't understand. Neither of you do. I'm sorry for how everyone is taking me not being a part of the family anymore. I really am because I love you all so much. Edward left me.."

"He only did it to protect you Bella! He thought keeping you around a bunch of vampires at all times was putting you in constant danger! He did it to protect you because he loves you", Alice interrupted.

"That's where you're wrong. He left because he stopped loving me. He wasn't in love with me anymore. I wasn't good enough for him! I never was and he had finally realized that. He was sick of pretending to be something he wasn't. He didn't want me anymore. I've spent the past year with a hole in my chest. I've been empty for so long now because without him I'm nothing. I'm trying to live my life the best I can now. I won't sit here and listen to you both telling me he loves me when it isn't true", I nearly screamed at them. I turned away and headed toward the door.

"Please Bella. You're mistaken", Rosalie pleaded.

"No. He wouldn't have lied to me Rose. He wouldn't have. He doesn't want me and now that you're all here I'm going to make damn sure he doesn't have to be around me either", I promised as I opened the door and walked out.

They were wrong. They wanted things back to how they were before my birthday but it wasn't possible. No matter how much I wanted to believe them I couldn't. Edward made his choice and I was going to honor it. I loved him enough to stay away.

I hope Dartmouth was big enough for me to do that.

**Well there you go.**

**I didn't expect to end up here. I just started typing up this chapter and BAM! this is where I end up.**

**Please lemme know what you think of this chapter. Did I overdo it? **


	5. Chapter 4

The moment the door closed behind me I stood there with my eyes closed, taking a deep breath, in hopes of calming the emotions I was feeling at the moment. I opened my eyes and looked around the hallway trying to figure out what to do now. If I went back to my dorm I would most likely sit there for hours until resolve caved and I begged Alice to tell me where Edward was. Part of me was already breaking to see him again, even if it was just a glimpse of his hair.

_Pathetic. Just PATHETIC Bella._

I shook my head trying to clear the mini Bella Devil Advocate trying to whisper in my head to run back inside the door behind and started walking. I found myself walking down the stairs until I found myself in the lobby. People were everywhere. Flyers littered the floor and sounds of constant chatter filled the air around me.

"Bella!"

I looked around for the source until I spotted Sheila sitting on a black sofa near a window in a corner of the lobby. She was waving her hand frantically, motioning me to come over. I smiled back at her as I made my way over and sat down beside her.

"Hey Bella, are you okay? There's a vending machine down the hall I can get you a water?"

"I'm okay, really. I was just surprised"

"So are they like old friends? It seemed pretty tense in there when I left"

"Yeah they're old friends. They were my friends my junior year, well Alice was my friend Rosalie mostly tolerated my existence with glares. They moved away the beginning of senior year so I'm just surprised they're here. I figured I'd never see them again", I told her as I looked down at my charm bracelet. I didn't even realize I had started playing with it, rolling one of the charms between my fingers. I had a charm for Edward but I kept it in my jewelry box, tucked way safely. I had worn it but seeing it made the pain and emptiness I felt increase tenfold until I could no longer bare it. His charm was a lion, to remind me of his words, so long ago, on our first day together in the meadow.

"Well, look at it this way, now you guys can be friends again!"

"I don't know. Things ended pretty badly and opening up old doors doesn't seem to be that could of an idea to me right now", I replied back.

"What happened", she asked curiously as she tilted her head slightly to the side.

"I don't really want to talk about that. Sorry", I smiled slightly at her, hoping she wouldn't be upset. I really liked her and I hoped that we could be really good friends. She reminded me of Angela.

"It's okay. I understand but if you ever want to talk I'm here", she said softly while giving me a hug, which I returned awkwardly.

"Okay I believe what you and I need is some serious initiation into college life! Something to start our year off with a BANG!"

She was basically bouncing in her seat as she said this, so loudly that a couple of people looked our way. I could feel my face reddening as I met a few of their gazes.

"What do you have in mind", I asked warily and slowly.

"I was talking to a few people earlier and some of them told me there's a fraternity throwing a party tonight. I figure why not go? Have fun this weekend before our classes start", she said excitedly.

"I don't know. I'm not really a party person"

"Come on it'll be fun. Plus you can't go to college without experiencing a frat party just once. It's the whole point of going to college in the first place"

"I thought getting an education was the point of college", I retorted to which she rolled her eyes.

"That's the reason we give our parents. It's all about the party hun", she replied dryly. I couldn't help but laugh at her.

Maybe this is what I needed, something completely different than what I would normally do. Edward left me and I needed to push myself to accepting that. He wanted me to experience life as a human.

_Like tricking me to going to junior prom._

Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to go to a party. If all else failed I could leave if it wasn't my type of thing. I couldn't really judge it now since I'd never been to one before.

"Please Bella, go to the party with me. I really don't want to go by myself since I probably won't know anyone there," she said as she had her hands together in prayer form.

"Okay, I'll go but if it's nothing spectacular I'll leave", I told her. I tried to look stern but I doubt I pulled it off.

"Oh my gosh! Yay! You are not going to regret this, I promise you", she said as she started doing a happy dance in her seat.

"We'll have to get ready soon because it's going to take hours to get ready"

"Hours?"

"Yes, hours silly. A girl has to look down right smoking to catch the eye of some hot frat guy. We need at least three hours tops and look it's already five! Let's go", she told me before grabbing my hand and pulling me up from the couch. I followed behind her as she headed for the stairs. I really hoped they fixed the elevator soon because I could just imagine the injuries I'd endure from taking the stairs every day. The life of the vertically challenge.

I could hear the raining pounding on the windows as we climbed the stairs. I tried to remember if I'd packed an umbrella in one the boxes and prayed I did when I couldn't be sure. I really didn't want to look like a wet rodent twice in one day.

As we reached our floor my eyes automatically shifted to _their_ room. Thankfully their door was closed, so I didn't worry about one of them coming to talk to me again.

As I walked passed their door I tensed a little before sighing out of relief when it remained closed.

Shell opened our door and I followed behind her to go sit on my bed. My thoughts drifted to the party and what this could possibly mean for me. I was taking this as a step to show Edward that I had indeed lived my life. I didn't want him to think that his little human had withered without, regardless of the truth in it. I didn't want him to know that my human memory never forgot him even though he said I would.

He left me so easily and without a second glance that the thought of him knowing how much my life was affected by his departure shamed me. I had nothing in my life after him. No love. No friends. Nothing. While he had probably moved on to someone new and exceedingly beautiful like him without a problem. He didn't have to live without his love because he didn't love me. He didn't walk around like someone removed his purpose for living.

As I thought this I could feel myself get angry. He left and I suffered.

I decided right then and there that I wouldn't suffer anymore.

_If you can live without me then I can live without you._

I walked over to my closet and tried to think of what to wear. Tonight was the start of my life again. Tonight my pain wouldn't own me anymore.

Tonight was going to be a night to remember.

**So I'm not really sure about this chapter. I have rewritten it over and over trying to figure out how Bella should go after the last chapter. I thought she should be angry. Edward left her and I always thought she forgave to easily. I mean he should work for it. And I promise they will get together but he's going to have to do a lot for them to get there.**

**I wanted her to gain to ground. Instead of depending on someone else to make her happy I wanted her to come to the realization or at least the confidence to try and go on without him. As for Edward…I was going to have show up in this chapter but the way it came out didn't seem right. So I'm going to try and make him pop out soon because I'm dying to have him in my story already. **

**I kinda feel like I did a crap job on this chapter…so flame me freely if I failed you.**

**Also THANK YOU to the few people who reviewed my story…you guys are the reason I've made it this far. I was starting to lose hope until I saw those reviews. **

**Lemme know what you think. **


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